Archive for hurt

Kate Bush Will Never Be Mine

Posted in Music with tags , , , , , , on January 29, 2009 by rikki5

There are certain female performers that I really admire.   I feel like Tori Amos has basically documented my life through her albums.  I know I am just interpreting them but each album corresponds to me at a certain period of my life.  It seems like Tori is describing my journey, especially on Boys for Pele and Scarlet’s Walk.  I think the only Tori albums I never related to are Sleeps With Butterflies and Strange Little Girls.  Tori’s multiple personality got a bit out of control with Strange Little Girls.  I like her as just five different people besides the Tori we know and love.  Anyway, ever since people started saying Tori Amos sounds like Kate Bush I have been enraptured her as well.   I think I like her almost as much as Tori.  I admire the independent and creative spirit of both women.  They both remind me of powerful ancient goddesses trapped in the modern world.  My favorite Kate Bush song is below. The goofy images kind of are distracting from the song itself. You really need to listen to this on headphones.   I also really like “Cloudbusting” by Kate Bush along with the corresponding video.  Donald Sutherland is in it!

“Never be Mine”. My interpretation of this song is about a deep and longtime love affair. The woman has devoted her life to a man but for whatever reasons this man is not as devoted to her. Yet he doesn’t want to let her go either. He feigns trying to keep her but in reality he is too engrossed with other people that enter his life.  All she wants is to be his wife but he does not allow it because he wants to be free. She decides that she will never find love again if she leaves him but she would rather be alone than with a man who does not love her above all else. In this respect, she owns her own power to change her unhappiness; however, in the absence of the only man she has ever loved she feels emerged in isolation.  She finally realizes as she  is “looking back over my shoulder… at you happy without me” that this man will still be the same if she leaves him.  She may even realize he already has another lover lined up to take care of him if she leaves. She knows that she will never be the same though because of how deeply she loved him and how much she counted on him.  She resigns herself to being alone and the fact that she may never have the “thrill and hurting” of life that so many women take for granted like having children. It also makes me think of something from Scotland or Ireland in the middle ages, I picture a man taking home his wife but he doesn’t really love her and she knows that he is just using her to bear his children and do his chores.  So in that scenario, she will never experience the “thrill and hurting” of true intimacy.  The sorrow in Kate’s voice brings tears to my eyes every time I hear this song.

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Far and Away

Posted in Life, Uncategorized with tags , , , on October 10, 2008 by rikki5

My heart hurts each day because I know you are there but there is no way to reach you. Look forward to your call every night only to realize that they are all too short and pale in comparison to your touch and your kiss. We both are trying so this gives me hope. I wonder how long we will have to try at this unnatural arrangement. I wonder how long until we hold each other and talk about our dreams and future but there are too many moments of separation. Each day is playing catch up to what happened the following day without sharing in the moment. I am becoming disillusioned by this arrangement. You tell me tonight your friend (who is a girl) is coming to spend the weekend with you while she’s on business. This hurts me because I want to be the one you are spending time with. You swear she is just a friend. I want to believe you. I try to believe you. I have trouble trusting men because of my past. This hurts me because I want to trust you completely. I remember when you first called me a friend. Now we have become so much more. Each night is another night of yearning and of wanting to feel you beside me again. I don’t know what happened. Everything has happened so fast. I want to believe in us and believe that we can make it despite all odds. When you don’t return my call I become disheartened and there is nothing left but the memory of the time we shared. I cry because I feel like you are slipping away and there is nothing I can do. I wonder if you will come see me someday but you say you can’t right now because of the demands of work. Where do I fit into your life? I once changed everything for you because I believed you were the one for me.  I still do believe that but it is hard to keep up this fight. I believe we are worth this battle.  I don’t want to quit.  I want to be with you so much it hurts down to the depth of my soul. This kind of love is the killing kind.