poem

your words are like knives

they cut me

you vanished from your heart

i love you

but you lost  me

you left

drifting soldier

in a war of hearts

you decided it would be better to go on…

and so i died to you

you thought you loved

the person you contrived

but that person doesn’t exist

so  you are left with me

and you want to control

how you think things should be

with your lies

misconceptions

and beliefs

you are trying so hard

to destroy what we have built

and I am helpless to the ploy

a willing player

in your game

Nothing Here..please move along

So lately I have been wondering what to write in my blog or what my blog’s purpose should be. Should I have a secret blog? Or should I have a more political blog? Then I realized that my blog is like any other blog- random musings of my own mind. Even though many people spend much more time on their blogs. Hopefully, in the near future my blog will hold something of interest. I don’t really feel like talking about much. My contacts are really bugging me right now. I could have tweeted that, she thinks.

Well.  haven’t I turned into the little twitter whore. hah.  Tomorrow I’ll plan on writing something lengthy. An entry with meaning.  Until then, I leave you with this unedited paragraph of some random mind rambling. As you were…

I sat in awe of myself.  Paranoid and in awe I sat on the humid September night wishing that I could see him once more.  “It takes time,” he whispered the last time we talked. We hadn’t seen each other in three weeks.  To me that felt like an eternity.  The crickets chirped. The night was death inside. I felt only at peace outside looking at the moon and the stars at night.  When all the trees were lit like lanterns flickering in some far off town that you couldn’t quite see from the road.  That was me as sure as I went wandering I knew there would be know turning back.  I knew that I could always change my direction.  After he would call I would feel better.  He would call soon I know that he would.  All I ever do is sit here laughing at myself for being paranoid at the house next door.  Why didn’t the  owner install privacy fences?  This is not my house.  This is not my yard.  One of the first things I would do in a new house would be to install a privacy fence.  After all, Robert Frost said it best- “Good fences make Good neighbors.”

Heartbreak Take @ Leap

Love is a many splendorous thing they say…sometimes I try to imagine what life would be like with the man who truly would move heaven and earth to be with me.  Are there any men like that still out there?

What am I going to do now?  I need to think of what will truly make me happy in life.  There is only myself to think about.  I guess I’m lucky not to have to think about a child or be tied down in any way.  I am pretty much free to do whatever I choose with a little planning- it’s a real sense of freedom.  I guess that is what I always wanted in life, to be free.  I just also wished I could find a person who felt the same way..someone who I would want to wake up to each day.  Someone who wouldn’t use my vulnerabilities against me.  I realize that I am more sensitive than the average person.  I feel the need to move somewhere else now.  Because now he knows where I am and the reason I wanted to move away from Seattle was to begin where no one knows where I am.  But now he has been here, he knows I am here, I need to find a place that feels like home to me.  I’m going into phase incognito. Love, Rikki

The Neverending Saga of Life…

Wow, I really cheated on my last blog entry.  That’s ok though.  Sometimes one doesn’t feel like writing.  It’s late.  I Had ..a strange and unnerving day.  I think I’m overly sensitive to things.  I need to actually start looking at what my purpose in life is. I miss H.  I haven’t heard from him in ages.  I Feel like H. is gone forever.  Not to mention that everyone seems to have it out for me lately.  I’m not sure why I am a peaceful loving person.  MY intentions are true.  but true intentions pave the road to hell is the cliche.

The last two month have been rough on me.  Some people passed away who were really important.  It makes me question my own mortality.

I saw Tori last night.  I went alone to the concert.  I don’t have any real friends here.  No one  likes Tori.  I appreciate her contributions to my life.  Certain songs remind me of certain periods of my life.  I need to focus on what  I seriously need to do.  The only part of my life that is actually going well is my career and education.  They are really taking off.  I think I’m going to start my novel this weekend.  In fact, I don’t think- I know.

Theme Songs

This is one of the theme songs to my life !

Bring the Boys Home~!~

People often ask me why I support Ron Paul.  I agree with him on many of his standpoints,but the number one reason that I believe Ron Paul would make the next great president is because he believes all US troops should be brought out of foreign soil and brought back to defend this country against attackers.

Now, many people say that troops are necessary to have in places such as Afghanistan, Iraq, and wherever else they are.  People say that we need to be there to avert Al-Queda and terrorists but the fact is ..they can try all they want if they come near the USA with all of our forces surrounding the country they will get their ass served to them.  Besides, the real threat now is nuclear power.  While all our troops are over there who knows what North Korea will try to do.  The entire west coast is a target.  Yet there is hardly any forces lined up in South Korea right now even though they are increasing their own borders?  And where is the force in Alaska?  Alaska is sitting up there all isolated and a prime target from North Korea.  I’m not saying that we should even send the troops to Alaska but we should bring home the majority if not all of our troops from foreign soil.  If any of you saw the Lisa Ling special, inside North Korea, you realize the people are brainwashed and they hate all things American.  It’s a wonder Lisa and her crew got so much footage- and got out of the country without being held captive.

Update

Hey blog – long time no see.  I guess I have been too overwhelmed by everything to even try to comprehend what sort of upheaval I am capable of creating.  I know that doesn’t make sense, but I’m keeping it.  I got an 83% on my Tiny Windows story.  He said it had a lot of propellants, but I needed to develop them better.  He felt that all of the tragedies going on was too melodramatic for a short story.  It’s funny because a lot of those events are based on real life.   I guess 83% isn’t so bad for only a first draft.  Luckily, I don’t have to ever write that story again if I don’t want to.

Work is really stressful.  But it is busy and that is good.  I want to constantly strive to do my best.   I have to move out of this house in 2 weeks and I’m stressing about finding a place to live.   I thought my bf was going to stay down here and help me work things out but unfortunately, I’m sad to report,  he left over the weekend.  He says he isn’t leaving for good he just needs to help his parents.  He says he loves me. Of course, before he left he had to create drama by going through my e-mail.  He found an entirely innocent e-mail to a friend saying to the extent of “hey- what’s up?”   We had been fighting for a while and I guess it just got too much for him to take.  It’s sad too, because I really love him.  We have been clashing a lot personality wise living together though, so not sure how that is going to work out either.  Tonight I was airing my concerns and I felt (entirely subjective) that he was not wanting to hear much of it.  I realize he is a man of God and all and he kept telling me to pray about the fact about why I am so hostile.  I’m a writer dammit!  We are all hostile!

Anyway, It kind of tore me up inside….but I digress.  I miss the days he used to talk sweet to me instead of pointing out character flaws.  I guess that is what happens when you start to get over the initial infatuation and start developing a real long term relationship.  Anyway, he is gone…he may be coming back, he may not.  No one knows for sure anyway…it’s driving me insane to say the least.  And now I’m blogging about it! hah!  I haven’t talked to H lately. He seems to be ignoring me more,which is bothersome.  Oh well.

Well blog, nice touching bases with you.  I hope to have something more interesting to report upon our next encounter.    Until then, stay cool.

Rikki

Tasers

Today on Drudge, I came across this post saying that DNA found on taser weapons can be used against criminals on trial.  You can read the article here.   Tasers should be outlawed all together.  Tasers are cruel and unusal punishment.  The Eighth Amendment protects against cruel and unusal punishment.  I guess the Niagra court missed that point.  Numerous deaths have been caused by Taser weapons throughout the years.

These weapons should be outlawed or at the very least should only be used by law enforcement in the most extreme of cases.  What happened to just good old pepper spray?  I don’t think anyone has ever died of pepper spray even though I guess it’s still unnecessary.  Anyway, people say who could care less what happens to dirty criminals? I can see that point of view but what about children who are dying because of these so called “safe” weapons.  Here is a recent article about a disabled teenager being tased to death .

And what about the Naked man tasered at Coachella for refusing to wear wizard’s robe?  This story was awful.  The man was simply just being naked.  They could have cuffed him and put in the car or something.  Yet, the police felt the need to shock him in the neck?  Terrible!

Where is Moz? and please return my €$

Where is Moz? and why won’t Ticketmaster answer my questions?  I don’t understand. He was supposed to play Jannus Landing and yet, he doesn’t show due to a mysterious “illness”.  I’m really worried about him.  I hear there have been sightings all over America and he’s done some great shows.  Why did he forget about St. Petersburg?  I feel gipped too because Ticketmaster keeps saying it has been “postponed”.  Yet, they do not have a date.  I really love Moz but I’m starting to feel disappointed as a fan.

I’m watching Fargo.  Steve Buscemi is really hilarious.  What a joker.   I have decided to get up fairly early on Satuday and Sunday to complete my narrative.  I plan on spending the days at the library researching and the nights at home writing.  Tonight, however..I’m watching IFC. The End.

He haunts my soul

Ignoring the date. Ignoring the time. Ignoring the fact I can barely hold my eyes open.  Trying to begin my historical narrative on Jack Kerouac.  I’m not used to writing non-fiction, so much meticulous detail to include.  I usually rely on my imagination when writing.  I am sick of going to class.  I didn’t go to class all week.  So here I am. It’s amazing how I perfect the skill of procrastination.  I perfected it so well that I am even making a blog entry.  Imagine that.  I just keep reading a couple pages from Jack’s “Some of the Dharma” over and over to myself.   My friend wants me to visit her in Costa Rica.  For some reason I have always thought about going there but it seems so crazy.  I don’t think my boyfriend wants to go.  But maybe he does, it’s hard to tell.  I think that he partially thinks I’m crazy, but in a good way.  I’m trying to get drunk enough so whatever crap I write will be tolerable, but I feel an obligation to Jack.  I want to say something about him, I’m just not sure what yet.